Posted by:
Matt on March 22, 2009
It seems that I read into things way too much, and that I don't really live in 'the moment' - as a result I really feel that I have deprived myself of some awesome opportunities - all because I thought too much.
This thought came to me this morning, after I had tumbled out of bed and somehow ended up in the shower. Standing there while the hot water worked its magic on my muscles I thought back to a night several years ago - at a party in Canberra, I only knew a handful of people, and one of my close close friends was there - We were in the kitchen, talking, close, and looking back there were so many chances to kiss her - but my mind was ticking away worring about all the semantics and logistics of what might become of it - and what happened? Well, she ended up with someone else and we kind of fell apart... we still talk, but yes.
But on that night another hand of cards was also dealt, and luck had it that I met another very fine lady who I've been close with for a long time.. I guess if I had taken that chance at this party I might not have even cast a second glance at her?
But then the pattern comes around full circle again, which the other awesome lady - lets say we were engaged in a level of relations - I'm not going into details - and lets just say that during this period where relations were happening was probably the times where I didn't have a care in the world, where my back pain didn't really exist, where my head spun and so on - but of course I didn't act when I was supposed to - and as a result I lost her to someone else. Maybe its the best for her, she seems happy, and that is what matters...
So, how about some more? Well, there's the girl who I lost at the start of this year, which was entirely my fault. I met Kim recently after I broke up with Bernii - which was just after I got back. Kim was... is, enigmatic, fun, easy to be around.. words cant explain - but then I got worried... what if I fuck it up, what about my plans to go overseas.. so we broke up, cause I wouldn't talk about it - but we stayed together. I do admit, Kim was very persistent, which was great - we got back together some months later, and once again things were good... but then my head screwed up again, and somehow I worried about Europe and her feelings and decided to stop it all again - but she still persisted. Unfortunately I've always been somewhat apprehensive to talk, or to let people into my life or to let me feelings loose, but looking back (ahh hindsight) I should have just let go.
So what happened? Well, she started meeting new people, and now she's seeing someone else. Am I over it? No, will I be? No idea.
What should someone do in this situation? Kind of difficult to say to be honest, I know that things will be kinda hindered until I do Europe properly, try and get my life on track completely. When I think about it I am kind of a boring person - I don't really do that much, dont really take risks, etc etc - I think I need to change that - as I said - these opportunities were lost because I didn't act in the moment, I had to think about it - perhaps I should just let go?
Now is always a good time to start, I guess...
[/Deep & Meaningful]
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